Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? A: The accountant knows he's boring.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? A: They grow taller!
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?" The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him." Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?" I said, "I never felt better in my life."