A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way.
The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.
Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?
A: They grow taller!
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I've been trying to do that for years!"
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor.
Who gets it?
The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!”
The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
A man calls a lawyer’s office.
A voice answers, ‘Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz.’
The man says, ‘Let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘I’m sorry, he’s on vacation.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s on a big case, not available for a week.’
‘Then let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’
‘He’s playing golf today.’
‘Okay, then, let me talk to Mr Schwartz.’ ‘Speaking.’
"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!"
"Was it a Jersey cow?"
"I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"