The best lawyer jokes

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Vote: has 62.76 % from 87 votes. Send joke:

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Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.
Vote: has 62.61 % from 13 votes. Send joke:

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A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
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A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Vote: has 62.30 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

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What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice.
Vote: has 62.22 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

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A man walks into a bar with a alligator. He says to the bartender, ‘Do you serve lawyers here?’ ‘Sure do,’ replies the bartender. ‘Good,’ says the man. ‘Give me a beer, and a lawyer for my ’gator.’
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Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faces the opposing lawyers. ‘Both of you have given me a bribe,’ he says. ‘You, Tom, gave me £15,000. And you, Harry, gave me £10,000.’ The judge reaches into his pocket, pulls out a cheque, and hands it to Tom. ‘I’m returning £5,000, and we’ll now decide this case solely on its merits.’
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
Vote: has 61.25 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Vote: has 60.56 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: divorce, lawyer, love, Valentines day