Every night I play a game called "Should I pee or can I hold it till morning".
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters? A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" "Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."
Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking." Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj."
My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day. She showed it to me, and it was BDSM. She asked me "What we should do?" Me: "Probably not spank him." She belted me with the magazine. Now I know where he gets it from.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
All these Miley Cyrus jokes are whoreable.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freemans life
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.