A man was drowning and asked God to help him. A boat came by wanting to help the man. The man refused and said that God would save him. The man drowned and went to heaven. He asked God why didn't you save me. God responded, "I sent a boat to get you and you did not get on."
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Opportunity! That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
Q: Who hangs out with musicians but isn't a musician? A: Drummers.
A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, "I've not seen you for a while." The man replies, "Yes, I've been ill."
My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "Led Zeppelin," I replied. "Who?" he said. "Yeah, I liked them too."
I got 99 problems and being upside down ain't one. Ok wait I got 66 problems.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."