He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Toilets are like mothers-in-law: the farther away the better.
They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back." Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
What is height of Fashion? Dhoti with a zip.
When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days.
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.