Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret? They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''
Boy asks his Gran nervously, "have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD ?" Gran replies "fuck your pills ! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen ?!"
Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast? A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"
A Jewish guy got in a taxi cab...5 min into a ride the driver notice a man beating up a woman on the other side of the street. The driver rush to the scene. He open the door ran out as soon as he did that the Jewish guy roll down his window as fast as he can and shouted, "Stop it, stop it, stop the meter."
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
Too stupid to understand science? Try religion!