Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."
Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Chuck Norris, then always be Chuck Norris.
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"? No. Me neither.
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back." Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge. Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m." 2nd driver, "it's ok, just go, there is no cops around."
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.