Chuck Norris has only used the 'Total Gym' twice in his life. When his eyes are open - and when they are closed.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Chuck Norris, then always be Chuck Norris.
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets. The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind." The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"? No. Me neither.
Whats the difference between a jeweler and a jailer? One sells watches and one watches cells.
They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back." Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.
Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge. Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m." 2nd driver, "it's ok, just go, there is no cops around."
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
A patient to his friend: "I am taking rest cure." Friend: "What do you do?" Patient: "I sit every day for three hours in the waiting room of a very busy doctor."
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down? Hoe-Down.