Doctor doctor I feel that Im a pack of card. What can I do ?
Doctor: I deal with you later.
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.
If you're under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you better brace yourself....
Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.
How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not?
Wife: What?
Me: An Eggnogstic.
Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Chuck Norris was born in a house he build himself.
Vote:
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other: "Man, it's hot in here!"
The other one says: "Ah! A talking muffin!"