It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other: "Man, it's hot in here!"
The other one says: "Ah! A talking muffin!"
Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...
There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "Doctor I have a fever”"
The doctor said, "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine."
The sick one said, "but doctor, I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"
Two young men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
Ole says to the Sven "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Sven replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Ole says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.”
Sven smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"
Ole replies, "No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
Life is like a definite integral.
Integral from birthday to death ( LOVE ) dx = LIFE
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.
He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Vote:
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!
Yo mama's feet are so ashy, it looks like she kicks flour for a living.