Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato? A: "You better catch up!"
The first half of life if ruined by your parents, the second by your kids.
Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris? Don't know...its never been done.
A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas. They sucessfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immidately. The men were very excited and could only speak of doin the job. Suddenly the piolot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert. Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around. Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."
Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?" Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour." Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."
Patient: "Doctor, I feel there are two of me." Doctor: "Very well, I shall see you, one at a time."
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."