Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine was "The president must go."
Bill Clinton storms into his office and demaned to know who did it.
So his two body guards run out to find out who it was.
Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, "We have some bad news, and we have worse news."
"What is the bad news?" asked Bill.
"Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his vice-president, Al Gore."
"Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
"The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"
A man goes skydiving.
After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens.
He tries everything but can't get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP.
The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?
The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?"
Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour."
Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."
Teens are at an awkward stage in their lives.
They know how to make phone calls they just don't know how to end them.
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not?
Wife: What?
Me: An Eggnogstic.
Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side.
"Sleep now, it's all right," he told her.
But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something."
Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.
"Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die.
During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
There appeared suddenly a crowd of many people in the street, because they caught a thief, who has stolen 500 euros from the grocery.
They wanted to beat him up, but Johny stayed still and told the people:
"who is without guilt, may throw a stone at this thief!"
Nobody wanted to throw a stone at this thief, becuase nobody was without guilt.
Suddenly one stone has hit this thief directly into his forehead and he has fallen down to the ground.
Johny asked: "who was it? Who was it?"
The Heaven has opened and the oldest archangel has s aid: "it was me!"