Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole? A: Divorced.
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts? Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
Q: What did the sergeant tomato say to the slacker soldier tomato? A: "You better catch up!"
Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg." Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."
Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Q: There is a $100 bill sitting in the middle of a 4 way intersection, at one side there is a man hating dike, at another side, there is Santa, at another side there is the Easter Bunny, and at the las side there is a man loving lesbian. Who gets the $100 bill? A: The man hating dike because all others are a figure of your imagination.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.