Waiter: "I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg." Customer: "Don’t tell me your problems. Give the menu card."
Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field.
Why are we so sure that Eve was African? If she were white, she wouldn't have eaten that apple! She would say, "Is this organic? What would Oprah do?" If she had been Asian, she'd have eaten the damn snake!
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
Me: What do you call someone who isn't sure if they like egg nog or not? Wife: What? Me: An Eggnogstic. Wife: This is grounds for divorce.
Q: What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food? A: Gaelic breath.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.