Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice. Except for Chris Brown.
A spaceman landed on the moon. To his surprise he saw ahead of him a little shop, with the name above it: "MORRIE COHEN, BESPOKE TAILORS." Curious, he went into the shop. A surprised looking man appeared behind the counter. "Who are you?" he asked. "I’m a spaceman," replied the spaceman. The man closed his eyes, and slapped his own cheek with one hand. "Cutters, I asked for. And they send me spacemen!"
A son and the dad are walking around on the streets. The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind." The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
If you're under the age of 25 and you think your life sucks then you better brace yourself.... Life has only given you the TIP of its Dildo.
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open. Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?
What is the best type of ship? FRIENDSHIP!
Man: You've brought religion into my life. Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?