An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years.
During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
One day, the man abruptly dies.
After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party.
Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.
The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs:
"Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"
Q: What do you call an empty jar of Cheez Whiz?
A: Cheez Whuz.
Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny."
Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
I know when god becomes angry.
When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
The organizers of the concert complain to the conductor of a choir:
You were supposed to bring a mixed choir, but I can see only men here.
But it is a mixed choir – half of them know how to sing, and the other half- do not.
The Highlander movie was actually based on Chuck Norris's life.
There can be only one.
Vote:
Q: What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
A: Hoppalong Cassidy.
The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"