"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist. And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"
Customer: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny." Waiter: "Funny? But then why aren’t you laughing?"
Where are you going for vacation this year? I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
There was an old married couple who love each other very much. But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him. The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop." Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind. She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while. Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
Q: Wanna hear a joke? A: Women's Rights.
A demon died and was asked by god what he wanted to become in his next life. The demon said "I wish to become good in my next life. I want to be as pure and white as an angel and also have angel wings... But I still want to drink blood." So god turned him into a maxi pad.
A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss. The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?" The man says "I'm probably too honest." The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality." The man replies, "I don't give a shttp://unijokes.com/admin/h*t what you think!"
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
T. S. Eliot measured out his life with coffee spoons. Chuck Norris uses a backhoe.
A Russian captain is trying to explain to his comrades the effects of atomic bombs: "Now, imagine 20 no, 40, no... a 100 cases of vodka and noone to drink them!"