I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”
“Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motorcycling, rock climbing?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”
“No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.”
He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”
Women prefer the simple things in life… like men.
A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor.
The street was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."
Coworker: Can you help me with this project?
Me: The short answer is no.
Coworker: What's the long answer?
Me: Nooooooo.
At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.
“Josh!” exclaimed his mother.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
Vote:
Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
An elderly couple are in church.
The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart.
What should I do?"
The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"
An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live.
So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
"Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."
Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."
Well the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.