The best marriage jokes

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, 'Thank you.'
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has 84.44 % from 326 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
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has 84.43 % from 781 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, couple, food, marriage, wedding
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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has 84.33 % from 156 votes. More jokes about: black humor, kids, marriage
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
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has 84.32 % from 659 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wedding
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
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has 84.24 % from 170 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
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has 84.18 % from 235 votes. More jokes about: marriage, work
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
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has 84.18 % from 206 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
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has 84.17 % from 625 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, kids, marriage, women
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
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has 84.13 % from 154 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
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has 84.12 % from 198 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wedding
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