The best marriage jokes

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Vote: has 87.39 % from 260 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, men, wife
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
Vote: has 87.37 % from 296 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, marriage, wife
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Vote: has 87.37 % from 232 votes. Send joke:

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Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Vote: has 87.37 % from 232 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
Vote: has 87.37 % from 176 votes. Send joke:

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“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”
Vote: has 87.36 % from 204 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, relationship, wife
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Vote: has 87.35 % from 1184 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, dirty, health, love, marriage
Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.
Vote: has 87.35 % from 2044 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beauty, love, marriage, sex, wife
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Vote: has 87.35 % from 259 votes. Send joke:

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My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Vote: has 87.33 % from 166 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage