The best marriage jokes

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.
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has 84.45 % from 2413 votes. More jokes about: beauty, love, marriage, sex, wife
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
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has 84.45 % from 319 votes. More jokes about: holiday, husband, marriage
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
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has 84.44 % from 239 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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has 84.44 % from 326 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’ Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’
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has 84.42 % from 172 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
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has 84.41 % from 275 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman. The mute friend points to his head. His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important." Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice." Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion. His friend looks at him strangely. "What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"
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has 84.40 % from 318 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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has 84.40 % from 318 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
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has 84.35 % from 201 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’ Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
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has 84.35 % from 223 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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