The best marriage jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
Vote:
has 84.73 % from 303 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
Vote:
has 84.72 % from 236 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Vote:
has 84.71 % from 273 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area. The doctors think hard about this. They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea. Perhaps if he practices oral sex with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy. He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"
Vote:
has 84.70 % from 767 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
Vote:
has 84.69 % from 198 votes. More jokes about: marriage
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
Vote:
has 84.66 % from 190 votes. More jokes about: marriage, women
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.
Vote:
has 84.62 % from 159 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Vote:
has 84.59 % from 234 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
Vote:
has 84.54 % from 196 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Vote:
has 84.52 % from 277 votes. More jokes about: marriage
<<<11121314
More jokes →
Page 11 of 59.