The best marriage jokes

A man was reading the newspaper during breakfast and said to his wife, "Look at this. Another beautiful actress is going to marry a baseball player who's a total dope! I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, 'Thank you.'
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has 84.53 % from 328 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: "Because you are funny." Me: "I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?" Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."
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has 84.47 % from 165 votes. More jokes about: marriage, sex, wife
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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has 84.43 % from 559 votes. More jokes about: blonde, husband, marriage
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
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has 84.33 % from 171 votes. More jokes about: marriage
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
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has 84.33 % from 208 votes. More jokes about: marriage, women
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
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has 84.32 % from 789 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, couple, food, marriage, wedding
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
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has 84.25 % from 207 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
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has 84.25 % from 236 votes. More jokes about: marriage, work
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
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has 84.23 % from 155 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
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has 84.20 % from 177 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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