The best marriage jokes

Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
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has 84.73 % from 347 votes. More jokes about: doctor, husband, marriage, mean, wife
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
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has 84.71 % from 412 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, marriage, wife
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
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has 84.69 % from 213 votes. More jokes about: marriage, women
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
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has 84.64 % from 1146 votes. More jokes about: anniversary, food, marriage, wedding, work
I asked my wife why did she marry me. Wife: "Because you are funny." Me: "I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?" Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."
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has 84.54 % from 181 votes. More jokes about: marriage, sex, wife
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
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has 84.47 % from 210 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
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has 84.47 % from 210 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
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has 84.44 % from 290 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
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has 84.42 % from 172 votes. More jokes about: marriage
If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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has 84.40 % from 209 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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