The best marriage jokes

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Vote: has 85.29 % from 353 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, marriage, time
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Vote: has 85.27 % from 245 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Vote: has 85.26 % from 569 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, men, women
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Vote: has 85.26 % from 190 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Vote: has 85.26 % from 190 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Vote: has 85.25 % from 150 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
Vote: has 85.24 % from 306 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: holiday, husband, marriage
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Vote: has 85.23 % from 634 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, wedding
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Vote: has 85.23 % from 321 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: food, marriage
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
Vote: has 85.20 % from 205 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, work


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