The best marriage jokes

While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
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Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’ Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
Vote: has 88.11 % from 227 votes. Send joke:

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Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
Vote: has 88.10 % from 177 votes. Send joke:

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My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
Vote: has 88.09 % from 136 votes. Send joke:

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Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Vote: has 88.09 % from 256 votes. Send joke:

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Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
Vote: has 88.07 % from 246 votes. Send joke:

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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Vote: has 88.04 % from 255 votes. Send joke:

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Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean?’ asks mother. ‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
Vote: has 88.01 % from 135 votes. Send joke:

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Vote: has 87.99 % from 215 votes. Send joke:

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Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Vote: has 87.98 % from 205 votes. Send joke:

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