While inspecting their honeymoon suite, the bride discovers a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asks her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he says, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she says. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating."
Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’ Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
Wife: Do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and no.
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival: First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, have sex and oral sex with him every day." The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. "I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean?’ asks mother. ‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.