The best marriage jokes

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Vote: has 86.70 % from 272 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, food, marriage, women
Q: Why do brides smile while they walk down the wedding aisle? A: They realize they've given their last blow jobs.
Vote: has 86.68 % from 263 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
Vote: has 86.66 % from 523 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, life, marriage, sex, wife
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
Vote: has 86.58 % from 183 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
"Hey, man! You didn't tell me why didn't you get through with the wedding!" "To tell you the truth... I'm thinking about your wife, all the time!" "WHAT? You PRICK!" "Chill out man... Don't get it wrong... I'm just afraid that I might end up having the same bad luck as you had...!"
Vote: has 86.56 % from 174 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wedding, wife
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Vote: has 86.55 % from 165 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling." The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."
Vote: has 86.49 % from 774 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, sex, wife
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Vote: has 86.43 % from 275 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, marriage, men, wife
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Vote: has 86.41 % from 172 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
Vote: has 86.41 % from 172 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, women