Guns don’t kill people – husbands who come home early kill people.
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”
The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife so she can drive more carefully and he found it; "Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!"
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.