The best marriage jokes

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
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has 84.09 % from 622 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, kids, marriage, women
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
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has 84.03 % from 153 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
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has 84.03 % from 175 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
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has 84.03 % from 204 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
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has 84.01 % from 282 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman. The mute friend points to his head. His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important." Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice." Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion. His friend looks at him strangely. "What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"
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has 84.01 % from 324 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
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has 83.95 % from 399 votes. More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it's sad that law allows only one wife.
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has 83.94 % from 2472 votes. More jokes about: beauty, love, marriage, sex, wife
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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has 83.93 % from 152 votes. More jokes about: black humor, kids, marriage
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
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has 83.90 % from 188 votes. More jokes about: divorce, lawyer, marriage, wedding
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