The best marriage jokes

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’ Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
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has 84.04 % from 240 votes. More jokes about: marriage
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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has 84.01 % from 338 votes. More jokes about: age, anniversary, marriage, teacher, wife
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
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has 83.87 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, life, marriage, mean, men
Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you. She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’
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has 83.78 % from 215 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’ Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
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has 83.74 % from 346 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a d**k."
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has 83.67 % from 419 votes. More jokes about: bar, car, marriage, stupid, wife
A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted. Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!" His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."
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has 83.67 % from 1368 votes. More jokes about: car, fart, marriage
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
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has 83.62 % from 282 votes. More jokes about: church, marriage, wedding, work
The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling." The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."
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has 83.51 % from 1054 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, sex, wife
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law.
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has 83.48 % from 300 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mother in law
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