The best marriage jokes

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
Vote: has 84.95 % from 315 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, food, marriage, women
My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
Vote: has 84.89 % from 162 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
Vote: has 84.88 % from 380 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
Vote: has 84.81 % from 230 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
Vote: has 84.79 % from 363 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, marriage, wife
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
Vote: has 84.76 % from 89 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, life, marriage, money, wife
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk." The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We haven't even swept together!"
Vote: has 84.74 % from 137 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Vote: has 84.73 % from 97 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, kids, marriage
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Vote: has 84.73 % from 303 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, marriage, men, wife
Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area. The doctors think hard about this. They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea. Perhaps if he practices oral sex with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy. He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"
Vote: has 84.70 % from 767 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage


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