The best marriage jokes

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.
Vote:
has 84.12 % from 176 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife and I have agreed never to go to bed angry with one another. So far we’ve been up for three weeks.
Vote:
has 84.10 % from 205 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
Vote:
has 84.09 % from 2168 votes. More jokes about: dirty, holiday, marriage, sex, wedding
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
Vote:
has 84.08 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean, sport, wife
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
Vote:
has 84.07 % from 190 votes. More jokes about: divorce, lawyer, marriage, wedding
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Vote:
has 84.06 % from 283 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman. The mute friend points to his head. His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important." Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand. His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice." Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion. His friend looks at him strangely. "What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"
Vote:
has 84.05 % from 325 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man calls his wife into the bedroom. "I want to show you the new watch I got today." She goes in and find him with his pants down. "That's not a watch!" she says. "It will be once you put two hands and a face on it."
Vote:
has 84.03 % from 401 votes. More jokes about: marriage, time, wife
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman - before and after marriage.
Vote:
has 84.03 % from 204 votes. More jokes about: marriage, women
If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Vote:
has 83.95 % from 203 votes. More jokes about: marriage
<<<12131415
More jokes →
Page 12 of 59.