The best marriage jokes

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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has 85.61 % from 243 votes. More jokes about: marriage
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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has 85.60 % from 384 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’
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has 85.60 % from 1142 votes. More jokes about: marriage
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?" The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend." The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?" The man says, "I found out that my son is gay." The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."
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has 85.60 % from 5939 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, bartender, gay, marriage
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
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has 85.60 % from 537 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
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has 85.60 % from 476 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!
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has 85.57 % from 274 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
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has 85.57 % from 1550 votes. More jokes about: doctor, god, marriage, wife, work
A wife and her husband were sleeping, in the middle of the night, the husband farted. Next morning the guy told his wife: "Last night I dreamed that I've bought a Mercedes!" His wife said: "That is right and you tootled for me."
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has 85.55 % from 1329 votes. More jokes about: car, fart, marriage
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!" Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations." To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
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has 85.55 % from 887 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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