The best marriage jokes

Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!
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has 85.44 % from 248 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
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has 85.44 % from 1594 votes. More jokes about: dad, god, kids, marriage, wife
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
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has 85.41 % from 200 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These panties don't belong to me. I don't even wear panties just ask your husband!"
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has 85.39 % from 386 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife, work
On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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has 85.39 % from 255 votes. More jokes about: marriage
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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has 85.35 % from 400 votes. More jokes about: birthday, marriage, wife
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
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has 85.35 % from 215 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
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has 85.34 % from 254 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
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has 85.30 % from 292 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Man is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.
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has 85.30 % from 391 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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