The best marriage jokes

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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has 85.33 % from 331 votes. More jokes about: marriage
On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Joseph responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
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has 85.32 % from 246 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
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has 85.32 % from 277 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, drug, love, marriage, time
If it weren’t for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
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has 85.32 % from 300 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
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has 85.29 % from 769 votes. More jokes about: baby, birthday, husband, marriage, wife
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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has 85.29 % from 368 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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has 85.22 % from 1656 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage, sex, wedding
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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has 85.22 % from 389 votes. More jokes about: birthday, marriage, wife
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
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has 85.19 % from 236 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
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has 85.19 % from 236 votes. More jokes about: marriage
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