The best marriage jokes

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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has 85.31 % from 238 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.
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has 85.30 % from 230 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I can remember where I got married. I can remember when I got married. I just can’t remember why.
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has 85.29 % from 222 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
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has 85.29 % from 644 votes. More jokes about: doctor, family, food, marriage, wife
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
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has 85.26 % from 375 votes. More jokes about: marriage
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
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has 85.25 % from 268 votes. More jokes about: marriage
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
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has 85.25 % from 182 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
Wife to her husband: "I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
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has 85.21 % from 244 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
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has 85.17 % from 297 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
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has 85.15 % from 2064 votes. More jokes about: dirty, holiday, marriage, sex, wedding
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