I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"
Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’
Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’
Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey.
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."
The husband sadly turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.
"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.”
“That I married you only for your money.”
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.