The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever... I wonder where shes going ?
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
Man: "What you have prepared to eat today?" Wife: "Nothing." Man: "But you did nothing yesterday." Wife : "I made it for two days."
Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.