For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night.
She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.
He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out."
"Well, what do you think today?"
He says, "I think I did a good job."
The woman comes with her husband to the psychiatrist and tells the psychiatrist:
"Please, do something with my man, because he thinks of himself that he is a horse."
The psychiatrist says: "Oh, it will be a long and expensive therapy."
The woman: "Ok, don´t worry, we can enough money because my husband has already won three times the horse racings."
A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Bell 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Bell 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Bell 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Bell 4!"
"What's Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex?
A:Honey I'm home.
Two friends talking:
"What's up?"
"My wife left me for my best friend.."
"I thought I was your best friend..."
"Now he is."
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commentator.
Why can't single women fart?
They don't get an asshole till they get married.
A wife sending a short message to her husband:
It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried about you!. Please, give me a ring...
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house.