The best marriage jokes

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
Vote: has 48.37 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, husband, life, marriage, time
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. "Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me." "I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
Vote: has 48.37 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, celebrity, divorce, marriage
A wife to her husband: "Honey, what are you doing?" "I'm reading our marriage certificate." "What for?" "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
Vote: has 48.02 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills." His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
Vote: has 48.02 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, doctor, marriage, viagra, wife
How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."
Vote: has 48.02 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, political, wedding
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
Vote: has 48.02 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, elephant, marriage
How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Vote: has 47.62 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A man calls into the police station and says, "My wife is missing." The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?" "A month." "Why did you wait so long to report it?" "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear."
Vote: has 47.24 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, marriage, wife
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that." "Why not" asked the customer? "Because that’s my husband."
Vote: has 46.87 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beer, husband, marriage
I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
Vote: has 46.60 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage