The best marriage jokes

A wife sending a short message to her husband: It was just said on the news that they found a hideous corpse with a hollow head, a cigar among ugly rotten teeth and a bottle of liquor in his hand. I'm worried about you!. Please, give me a ring...
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: husband, marriage, ugly, wife
Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it. Why? Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.
Vote: has 51.28 % from 44 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, marriage, sex, wife
The boss snubs his employee because he took a flashlight with him to a date: "What kind of crap happens nowadays? When I was in your age, I wasn’t carrying any flashlight with me on a date. I was always meeting my girlfriends in the dark." "And what did that got you... Take a look at what you’ve married in to!"
Vote: has 51.13 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, dating, marriage
Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ‘If you were my husband I’d poison your brandy.’ Churchill: ‘If you were my wife I’d drink it.’
Vote: has 51.00 % from 53 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Vote: has 51.00 % from 53 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, time
My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I did - the middle one.
Vote: has 50.89 % from 27 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
Vote: has 50.70 % from 17 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage
A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."
Vote: has 50.67 % from 48 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: food, husband, marriage, wife
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses. At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"
Vote: has 50.64 % from 34 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: food, husband, life, marriage, time
An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
Vote: has 50.64 % from 34 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, cat, marriage, old people, wife


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