The best marriage jokes

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: ‘If you were my husband I’d poison your brandy.’ Churchill: ‘If you were my wife I’d drink it.’
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has 51.81 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
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has 51.61 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A husband is driving with her blonde wife, the husband says "Can you stick your head out the window if the blinker works?" T hen the blonde sticks her head out the window and replies, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..".
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has 51.61 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: blonde, communication, marriage, stupid
A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around. As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
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has 51.56 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie. He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out." "Well, what do you think today?" He says, "I think I did a good job."
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has 51.47 % from 177 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A husband and wife are driving along when they see an injured skunk lying by the roadside. They decide to take it to a vet but don’t have anything to carry it in. ‘Why not wrap it in your skirt?’ suggests the husband. ‘What about the stink?’ protests his wife. Her husband replies, ‘It’ll just have to get used to it.’
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has 51.39 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: marriage
This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking about getting married. They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to see if they were sexually compatible. The next morning he dropped her off at her apartment and he said, "So long Lucy." She said, "Goodbye, Shorty."
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has 51.39 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
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has 51.28 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage
HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl. He TOOK the Girl ALONG with him on a BOAT & in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or LEAVE the BOAT."
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has 51.13 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: love, marriage
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
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has 51.00 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: marriage, time
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