The best marriage jokes

A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer. A man passes and asks him what the matter is. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk. ‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’
Vote: has 42.03 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Somebody told me the best way to meet women is to do something you enjoy right away, you have something in common. So, I've spent the past year smoking dope and watching television.
Vote: has 42.03 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, women
The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."
Vote: has 42.03 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, marriage, wife
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache." The man replied, "Is that your final answer"? She said, "Yes." ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
Vote: has 41.91 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
I took two marriage vows. Silence and poverty.
Vote: has 41.91 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
My wife is temperamental. Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
Vote: has 41.91 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Vote: has 41.91 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
What are Women Really Thinking? So many men, so few who can afford me. Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen. Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares? And your point is? Next mood swing: 6 minutes. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Vote: has 41.84 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, marriage, money, time
A wife tells her husband: "We never go out anywhere…" "Great, tomorrow I will be going to through our the garbage, you may join me…"
Vote: has 41.84 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"
Vote: has 41.84 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, marriage, wedding