The best marriage jokes

Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
Vote:
has 50.70 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: marriage
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed. ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Vote:
has 50.64 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: marriage, technology, time, travel
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
Vote:
has 49.86 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: church, death, husband, marriage
A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around. As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
Vote:
has 49.74 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Vote:
has 49.72 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: fart, marriage, sex
Marraige is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Vote:
has 49.61 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
Vote:
has 48.79 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!
Vote:
has 48.79 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: animal, dog, marriage, wife
Even the story of Sir Walter Ralegh confirms that he put his brand new coat over bumps with mud for his wife to cross it. Why? Because he was on sea for 15 months and he desperately wanted to have sex. No normal man that is well in his brains would do this to his expensive coat.
Vote:
has 48.78 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, marriage, sex, wife
An old woman wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
Vote:
has 48.69 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: age, cat, marriage, old people, wife
<<<44454647
More jokes →
Page 44 of 59.