My wife came in complaining about me never lifting a finger in the house. So I did - the middle one.
Marriage is not a lottery – you get a chance in a lottery.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Two friends talking: "What's up?" "My wife left me for my best friend.." "I thought I was your best friend..." "Now he is."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around. As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?" She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."
Q. Why don't little girls fart? A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!