The best marriage jokes

How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
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has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man walks into his bedroom after work and is surprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination, he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. "Who the hell are you?" he yells. The naked guy replies, "I'm the moth inspector." "Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?" He looks down and exclaims, "Oh my God, I'm too late!"
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has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: animal, god, marriage, wife, work
What are the similarities between a new wife and a tornado, there's a lot of suckin and blowin and then u lose ur house.
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has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: marriage, weather, wife
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"
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has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, wedding
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
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has 45.10 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: bar, life, marriage, time, wife
Once upon a time, in a far away land, a beautiful independent, confident princess met a frog, while sitting and considering the environmental issues of the world, at the side of an infected lake, in a very green meadow, near her castle. The frog jumped on princess’ knees and said: "My sweet lady, once I was a handsome prince, until an evil witch cursed me. I f you kiss me, however, I will become again that graceful prince I once was. Then, my sweety, we will get married and we will live in your castle, and you will cook for me, you will wash my clothes, and you will give birth to my childre and you will feel so happy and graceful for being able to do all these things forever!" That night, the princess enjoying her nice cooked frog legs, she chuckled inside and thought: "...and then he woke up."
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has 45.10 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife has given me a reason to live – revenge.
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has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A woman applies for a job in a lemon grove. ‘Have you got any experience picking lemons?’ asks the foreman. ‘I certainly have,’ says the woman. ‘I’ve been married four times.’
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has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light!
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has 44.84 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
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has 44.84 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife, work
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