The best marriage jokes

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.” “Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?” “I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
Vote: has 35.66 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, marriage, old people
A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant. My name, living address, phone number...
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More jokes about: marriage
My husband added some spice to our marriage. He's left home.
Vote: has 35.32 % from 35 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage
Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’ Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’ Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
Vote: has 35.28 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

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Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Vote: has 35.23 % from 10 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, dog, marriage, men, women
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.” When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her. On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
Vote: has 34.72 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Wife to husband: ‘I need a new dress.’ Husband: ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?’ Wife: ‘It’s too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes.’
Vote: has 34.13 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

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He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
Vote: has 34.09 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

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Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you! Girl: yes, but would you stay there….
Vote: has 33.50 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, relationship
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Vote: has 33.37 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage