The best marriage jokes

A man is on his deathbed. ‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife. ‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’ ‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife. ‘I do,’ says the man.
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has 43.73 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard? A: Shoot him again.
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has 43.73 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage
"I hope you didn’t take it personally, Father," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the vicar replied. "It’s not a reflection on you, Father" insisted the church goer. "Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
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has 43.72 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: marriage
After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn’t the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.
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has 43.61 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men. Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!" The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"
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has 43.52 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A wife returns late at night back home. "Where have you been?" asks her husband. "With a friend. But don't worry, there were no men." One day later the husband returns back home late. "Don't worry; I was also with a friend. And there were no men either…"
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has 43.43 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
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has 43.39 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: dating, family, food, marriage
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. ”Are you hurt?” he asked.”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”
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has 43.39 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
Doctor to woman patient: "Your husband is too fond of strong coffee. You should not give it to him." Patient: "But you should see how excited he gets when I give him weak coffee."
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has 42.03 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: food, husband, marriage
A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar. He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon. The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation. Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know." They went. Had lots of fun and came back. Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for." The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of sex, jokes, fun all that is honeymoon." The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."
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has 42.00 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: holiday, marriage, money, sex, wife
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