The best marriage jokes

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy? Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
Vote: has 36.90 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, food, marriage, wife
Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage. ‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her. ‘Then you should leave your husband.’ ‘I would,’ says Beryl. ‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’
Vote: has 36.51 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that. When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"
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More jokes about: marriage, work
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am." The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
Vote: has 36.23 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, time
An angry man is coming home and shouts to his wife, "I know everything!" His wife reacts right away, "Is that so? Then tell me please. Who is the fifth highest peak in the world?"
Vote: has 36.09 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: geography, marriage, wife
Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on. All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad. The second week was geting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.
Vote: has 35.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: desert island, disgusting, marriage, time, women
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.” “Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?” “I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
Vote: has 35.66 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, marriage, old people
A lot of things have changed in my life since I got to know that my girlfriend got pregnant. My name, living address, phone number...
Vote: has 35.66 % from 12 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Husband to wife: ‘You have a flat chest and hairy legs. Tell me, have you ever been mistaken for a man?’ ‘No,’ replies his wife. ‘Have you?’
Vote: has 35.28 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Why is marriage a three-ring circus? First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Vote: has 35.28 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage