The best marriage jokes

Q:What's the worst thing your wife can say during sex? A:Honey I'm home.
Vote: has 41.83 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, sex, wife
A man is on his deathbed. ‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife. ‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’ ‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife. ‘I do,’ says the man.
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

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An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Vote: has 41.82 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bar, life, marriage, time, wife
Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Vote: has 40.24 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

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A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out virgin from a small happy town as wife. Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA. He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to penetrate for intercourse and young bride stopped him. "What are you trying to do," she asked. Lalu explained the spousal sex. The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."
Vote: has 39.94 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, sex, wife
My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her… Or something like that.
Vote: has 39.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

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A young woman for whom a marriage with an old man was being arranged by her parents refused to go through with the ceremony because as she put it, " I don't want to feel old age creeping on me!"
Vote: has 39.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, marriage, women
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering in the back yard? A: Shoot him again.
Vote: has 39.78 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage
A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary. The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand. He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it." The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward. She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!" "That’s not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back. "Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it. If you don’t buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."
Vote: has 39.64 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: anniversary, husband, marriage, wedding, wife
Man to friend: ‘My wife’s a peach.’ Friend: ‘Because she’s so soft and juicy?’ Man: ‘No, because she has a heart of stone.’
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage