The best marriage jokes

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica? A: He didn't need them any longer his damn wife knows everything.
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has 48.13 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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has 47.37 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: car, dog, marriage, men, women
Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
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has 47.21 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: marriage
There was an old married couple who love each other very much. But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him. The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop." Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind. She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while. Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
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has 47.21 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: age, disgusting, fart, life, marriage
A man is on his deathbed. ‘Grant me one last wish, my dear,’ he gasps pitifully to his wife. ‘Six months after I die I want you to marry Joe.’ ‘But I thought you hated Joe,’ says his wife. ‘I do,’ says the man.
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has 46.87 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: marriage
How did Barack propose to Michelle? He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."
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has 46.76 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: marriage, political, wedding
A couple come across a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny. The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns. The husband says, ‘Wow! It really works!’
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has 46.70 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Marraige is a 3-ring circus. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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has 46.70 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I never married because there was no need – I have three pets which serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night.
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has 46.60 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that." "Why not" asked the customer? "Because that’s my husband."
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has 46.60 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, marriage
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