The best marriage jokes

My wife is temperamental. Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
Vote:
has 45.82 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
Vote:
has 45.52 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called the vicar who had married her. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I have had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the Reverend, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what on earth am I going to do with the body?"
Vote:
has 45.52 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, wedding
What is the difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Vote:
has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: marriage
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"
Vote:
has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: bar, life, marriage, time, wife
What are the similarities between a new wife and a tornado, there's a lot of suckin and blowin and then u lose ur house.
Vote:
has 45.29 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: marriage, weather, wife
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it." "Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can’t sell you that." "Why not" asked the customer? "Because that’s my husband."
Vote:
has 45.10 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: beer, husband, marriage
Once upon a time, in a far away land, a beautiful independent, confident princess met a frog, while sitting and considering the environmental issues of the world, at the side of an infected lake, in a very green meadow, near her castle. The frog jumped on princess’ knees and said: "My sweet lady, once I was a handsome prince, until an evil witch cursed me. I f you kiss me, however, I will become again that graceful prince I once was. Then, my sweety, we will get married and we will live in your castle, and you will cook for me, you will wash my clothes, and you will give birth to my childre and you will feel so happy and graceful for being able to do all these things forever!" That night, the princess enjoying her nice cooked frog legs, she chuckled inside and thought: "...and then he woke up."
Vote:
has 45.10 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Vote:
has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: car, dog, marriage, men, women
My wife has given me a reason to live – revenge.
Vote:
has 44.92 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: marriage
<<<46474849
More jokes →
Page 46 of 59.