The best marriage jokes

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!" The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"
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He was in a position to marry anyone he pleased. Unfortunately he didn’t please anyone.
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I live like a medieval knight. Every night I go to sleep with a battleaxe at my side.
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Marriage is bit like having a meal at a self-service buffet: you get exactly what you want, but when you see what another man’s got on his plate you fancy a bit of that as well.
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‘Why don’t you go home to your wife. Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.’ Groucho Marx
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Contrary to popular belief, Harry’s mother and father were married. Not to each other. But they were married.
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I had two women in my bed the other day. I got home from work and discovered my wife is having a lesbian affair.
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Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you! Girl: yes, but would you stay there….
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What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband? Miss her. Pity her.
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Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. Girl: Do you want me to leave? Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course! Over and over! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: NO! Why are you even asking? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every chance I get! Girl: Will you hit me? Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling!
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