The best marriage jokes

Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’ Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’ Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’
Vote: has 35.28 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.” When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her. On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”
Vote: has 34.72 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport. A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk. The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?" The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
Vote: has 34.72 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’ Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’
Vote: has 34.72 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast. So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’ At least that’s what I meant to say. What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
Vote: has 34.69 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
My husband added some spice to our marriage. He's left home.
Vote: has 34.25 % from 36 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage
Wife to husband: ‘I need a new dress.’ Husband: ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?’ Wife: ‘It’s too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes.’
Vote: has 34.13 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
Vote: has 34.09 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Vote: has 33.50 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: love, marriage
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Vote: has 33.37 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage