A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon. Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport. A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk. The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?" The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."
I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast. So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’ At least that’s what I meant to say. What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’
Wife to husband: ‘I need a new dress.’ Husband: ‘What’s wrong with the dress you’ve got?’ Wife: ‘It’s too long and the veil keeps getting in my eyes.’
He never got married. He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake once.
They are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? A: He thought his wife was a flake.
Wife to husband: ‘You certainly made a fool of yourself last night. I just hope nobody realised you were sober.’
My husband has a split personality – and I hate both of them.
Priest to woman: ‘I don’t think you’ll ever find another man like your late husband.’ Woman: ‘Who’s going to look?’
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then they marry him.