The best marriage jokes

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
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has 84.96 % from 382 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, marriage, wife
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
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has 84.95 % from 1163 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, women
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
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has 84.93 % from 178 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
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has 84.92 % from 1090 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, marriage, sex, wife
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
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has 84.92 % from 344 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men, wife
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?” “You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.” The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
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has 84.87 % from 343 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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has 84.87 % from 185 votes. More jokes about: marriage
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
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has 84.87 % from 261 votes. More jokes about: marriage
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
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has 84.85 % from 177 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
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has 84.82 % from 290 votes. More jokes about: marriage