The best marriage jokes

Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’ Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’
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has 85.43 % from 160 votes. More jokes about: marriage
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'... I took her to a petrol station...
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has 85.42 % from 168 votes. More jokes about: marriage, wife
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
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has 85.41 % from 208 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Girl to fiancé: ‘When we’re married I want to share all your troubles and worries.’ Fiancé: ‘But I don’t have any troubles and worries.’ Girl: ‘I know, but we’re not married yet.’
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has 85.41 % from 200 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
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has 85.40 % from 192 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
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has 85.40 % from 263 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!
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has 85.39 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: age, life, marriage, money, wife
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
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has 85.38 % from 247 votes. More jokes about: marriage
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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has 85.36 % from 324 votes. More jokes about: death, food, marriage, women
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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has 85.34 % from 1511 votes. More jokes about: food, marriage, sex, wedding