The best marriage jokes

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
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has 84.98 % from 1678 votes. More jokes about: couple, marriage, old people, sex
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car." The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
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has 84.97 % from 397 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, drunk, marriage, wife
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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has 84.93 % from 337 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
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has 84.93 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
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has 84.90 % from 1180 votes. More jokes about: husband, life, marriage, sex, wife
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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has 84.90 % from 461 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife, women
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
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has 84.89 % from 193 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean?’ asks mother. ‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
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has 84.89 % from 193 votes. More jokes about: marriage
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
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has 84.88 % from 358 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men, wife
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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has 84.87 % from 967 votes. More jokes about: family, marriage, single, wife, women