The best marriage jokes

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
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has 85.09 % from 363 votes. More jokes about: food, husband, marriage, wife, wine
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
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has 85.07 % from 310 votes. More jokes about: marriage
My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children. If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
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has 85.04 % from 195 votes. More jokes about: black humor, kids, marriage
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?" "Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
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has 85.04 % from 264 votes. More jokes about: marriage
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
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has 85.03 % from 279 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
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has 85.03 % from 406 votes. More jokes about: husband, marriage, wife
Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean?’ asks mother. ‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
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has 84.94 % from 209 votes. More jokes about: marriage
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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has 84.93 % from 337 votes. More jokes about: marriage
I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
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has 84.92 % from 344 votes. More jokes about: marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
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has 84.89 % from 691 votes. More jokes about: marriage, men, women