The best marriage jokes

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Vote: has 88.30 % from 1107 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, god, kids, marriage, wife
My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t pee in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.
Vote: has 88.26 % from 138 votes. Send joke:

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After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
Vote: has 88.26 % from 220 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Husband: Knocks the door at midnight. Wife: Go back where you coming from! Husband: Open the door or I throw myself in the swimming pool! Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool. !!!!..Scheweew..!!!! Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door. Wife: Open the door or I will shout!! Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wakes up and comes here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only a panty and a bra!
Vote: has 88.26 % from 309 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, time, wife
The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband. Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sexy my darling." The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."
Vote: has 88.24 % from 697 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, sex, wife
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”
Vote: has 88.23 % from 179 votes. Send joke:

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A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’ The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Vote: has 88.22 % from 148 votes. Send joke:

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Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Vote: has 88.22 % from 189 votes. Send joke:

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Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
Vote: has 88.21 % from 209 votes. Send joke:

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Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!
Vote: has 88.16 % from 188 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage