The best marriage jokes

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
Vote: has 85.67 % from 228 votes. Send joke:
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Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that, as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
Vote: has 85.65 % from 146 votes. Send joke:
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Vote: has 85.64 % from 299 votes. Send joke:
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An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Vote: has 85.64 % from 1359 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: couple, marriage, old people, sex
After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
Vote: has 85.62 % from 275 votes. Send joke:
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Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...
Vote: has 85.60 % from 741 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: husband, life, marriage, sex, wife
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Vote: has 85.60 % from 628 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, wedding
Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’ ‘What do you mean?’ asks mother. ‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’
Vote: has 85.58 % from 170 votes. Send joke:
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Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Vote: has 85.55 % from 250 votes. Send joke:
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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Vote: has 85.55 % from 242 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage