I’ve been happily married for ten whole years.
And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea!
My girlfriend?
She is a dream!
But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister…
This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me.
I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door.
I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!
It's 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue's father answers the door and invites him in.
He asks Bobby what they're planning to do on the date.
Bobby politely responds that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Bobby is shocked. "Excuse me, sir?"
"Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She'll screw all night if we let her."
Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she's ready to go.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’
Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".