Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot.
He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave.
As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.”
“That I married you only for your money.”
Wife to husband: ‘Let’s go out and have some fun tonight!’
Husband: ‘Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.’
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’
Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
I asked my wife why did she marry me.
Wife: "Because you are funny."
Me: "I thought it was beacause I was good in bed?"
Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."