The best marriage jokes

Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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More jokes about: marriage
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.” The friend says, “Why not?” The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Vote: has 86.03 % from 348 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong. "Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years." "That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"
Vote: has 86.02 % from 283 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: couple, holiday, love, marriage, money
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Vote: has 86.02 % from 1313 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: couple, marriage, old people, sex
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Vote: has 86.01 % from 291 votes. Send joke:

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Vote: has 86.01 % from 1358 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, marriage, sex, wedding
Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
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More jokes about: marriage
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Vote: has 86.00 % from 615 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wedding
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Vote: has 85.99 % from 347 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: birthday, marriage, wife
“A happy marriage is nothing but a give and take relationship; the husband gives and the wife takes.”
Vote: has 85.98 % from 225 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: husband, marriage, relationship, wife