A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but, wanting to make sure each bulb worked, she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."
Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?" "Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."
Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: "Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com."
Sorry, I'm late. I was trying to think of ways to get out of this.
Parents: "Why are you welcoming guests in your underwear? " Me: "Hated me to take off my underwear."
Q: VWhy didn't the fixed dog cross the road? A: Because he didn't have the balls to do it.
A waiter walks up to a table of old ladies eating their lunch and asks, "Is anything OK?"
Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry. So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.
Q: What's the worst part about sex? A: When they wake up!