Do you know the difference between a postal box and a monkey's arse? Well if you don't know I will never ask you to post a letter for me.
Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal? Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"
Q: What has 12 arms, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? A: 12 pirates.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? A: The location of the dirtbag.
How come there aren't that many jokes about Jim Jones? The punchlines are too long.
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position. I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy. He agreed with me. I got upset that he agreed. I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
Little Lucy met Little Johnny after school and ask him, "Johnny do you you think I'm cute?" Little Johnny looked at her from head to toe irritably and replied. "Roses are red. Your blood is too. You look like a monkey. And belong in a zoo. Do not worry, I'll be there too. Not in the cage, But laughing at you".
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game. This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball". So I adjusted my stance and took another swing. Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball." So I stepped back a little more and swung. This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about! The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".