Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?
When she spread her legs he saw bush.
Vote:
An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see."
Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke.
"Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."
One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.
They thought they would have some fun with him.
"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.
"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"
"Sure am," said the boy.
"If I didn't he would probably join the Army."
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession.
The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.
So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"
"It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk.
You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her.
I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thank you Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off my mind!
Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map....
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
During the Iraq war, a Lieutenant asked the soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle, "Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1 ?"
The soldier replied, "I got my four Sir."
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"