How do you stop an Iraqi tank? "Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? A: They need a map....
What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common? Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.
How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th? Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
Q:What not to say to the nice policeman? A:I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap... The Army is still looking for him.
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.