Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
They need a map.
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession.
The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.
So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"
"It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk.
You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her.
I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thank you Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off my mind!
Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
The soldier serving in Iraq was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy?
You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?”
“Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank.
I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.
I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass?
So we exchanged tanks!”
What is the best job in a country which is war-prone?
"Foreign ambassador."
What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
Seasoned troops!
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.
"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother?
You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
Question: Why did the Army send do many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
Answer: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
The Captain called the Sergeant in.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Smith, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Smith his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that James mother died.
You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me.
This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward."
"Not so fast, James!"
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”