Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
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Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"
She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid."
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. "I can never remember the name."
Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
A: It went OK.
Q: Why can't lawyers do NMR?
A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
Never borrow money from optimists – they always expect to get it back.
Did you hear about the gypsy who won the Lottery?
He got paid in travellers’ cheques.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."