We were so poor, we had to go to KFC to lick other people’s fingers.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald.
He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
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Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
He asks his wife what's up.
"Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."
Three men were drunk and they stopped a taxi.
The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them: "we have arrived".
The first man gave him money.
The second one thanked the taxi driver.
The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man: "what was that for?".
The drunken man replied: "control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated.
She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
An airplane was about to crash.
There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die."
So he took the 1st pack and left the planernThe 2nd passenger , Barack Hussein Obama, said , "I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die."
He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.rnThe 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son , I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said , "That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."
I said, "I don't get it."
He said, "That's right."
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I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.
A bittersweet victory.
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