The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That’s not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Yo Mama So fat... She sat on top of Walmart and lowered the prices.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty stupid, but says his wife is more stupid. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn’t even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles, "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn’t even have a dick!"
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician. Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill." The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper: -Turning of one screw: $1.00. -Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. "My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
Q: How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? A: Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why is horse racing so romantic? A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"
A 60-year-old millionaire has just married a 20-year-old model. ‘You crafty old devil,’ says his friend. ‘How did you manage to get a lovely young wife like that?’ ‘Easy,’ replies the millionaire. ‘I told her I was 95.’
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"