When Chuck Norris eats dinner at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him.
Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.? A: Lazy.
Q: What's the best way of investing your money? A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.
A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." The stranger says, "How about 20?" The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." The stranger says, "How about 10?" The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?" The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't."
A man was telling his wife that he wanted to go to this country in which women paid men twenty dollars every time they had sex. She replied, "I do too!" He gets confused and asks why. She tells him, "I'd like to see how long you can last on forty dollars a month."
I and my two mates went to a hooker and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch. My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner! My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50! I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.! "What do you mean," they asked me. "I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."
The psychiatrist asks his patient: "Do you really think that you are a horse?" The patient: "Yes." The Doctor: "Ok, it will be a long and expensive therapy." The patient: "It's ok, I have enough money." Doctor: "And how it is possible?" The patient: "Because I have won three times horse races."
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage. "Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other." "You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."