An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer "I have a proposition for you…" "You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: "So, what’s the catch?"
"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
Yo mamas so poor she traded her car for gas money.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?” “Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Larry. “Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying in school?” asked Larry. The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke: "OK, chief, but why so much?" At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered." The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family." "What is your fee?" the woman inquired. "Two hundred dollars," was the answer. The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
In Chuck Norris' yard, money does grow on trees.
Yo momma so poor that when she farted she said clap your hands stomp your feet praise to the lord we have heat.
A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars. "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer. "Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did. The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt. The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks. The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."