The best money jokes

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00." The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".

At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony. "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today." As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story. But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"

Yo mama so poor that when I stepped on a cigarette she said "who turned off the heat?"

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card. So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back – once again, with the smoke: "OK, chief, but why so much?" At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals: "Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

A man was telling his wife that he wanted to go to this country in which women paid men twenty dollars every time they had sex. She replied, "I do too!" He gets confused and asks why. She tells him, "I'd like to see how long you can last on forty dollars a month."

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters." "OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?" "You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner. "Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?" "That," says the man, "is your first worry."

One day a priest told the Mother Superior that he was going into town and try to convert some ladies of the evening. Later off he went and drove to a certain part of town known for the ladies of the evening. The first one he approached asked him before he had a chance to say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10" He was clueless and embarrassed and left quickly. He approached another young woman and again before he could say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10?" Again he left quickly and returned to the convent. Once back he saw Mother Superior and quietly took him aside and whispered Mother Superior "what's head?" She replied "$10.00 same as in town."

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake. A bittersweet victory.

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."