Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
A: They never want to log off.
How do you start a Jewish parade?
Throw a penny down main street.
A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.
“Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”
“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.
“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.
She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.
“Why are there two twenties?” she asks.
The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
Q: You know what lego set Trump played with as a kid?
A: The wall maker set.
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl.
Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously.
The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch.
She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said.
"We only met a half hour ago.
How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared.
"For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
Yo' Mama is like my cell phone plan: 10 cents a minute anytime, anywhere, no restrictions.
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing."
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer.
"We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
Vote:
One day little Flora was taken to have an aching tooth removed.
That night, while she was saying her prayers, her mother was surprised to hear her say: "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our dentists."
Vote:
One day a priest told the Mother Superior that he was going into town and try to convert some ladies of the evening.
Later off he went and drove to a certain part of town known for the ladies of the evening.
The first one he approached asked him before he had a chance to say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10"
He was clueless and embarrassed and left quickly.
He approached another young woman and again before he could say a word she said "heh Father, how about a little head for 10?"
Again he left quickly and returned to the convent.
Once back he saw Mother Superior and quietly took him aside and whispered Mother Superior "what's head?"
She replied "$10.00 same as in town."