Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Vote:
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
Martin ended a letter to his dad with this question, 'Is Washington's picture still on the dollar bill?'
His Father wrote back, 'Of course it is. Why do you ask?'
Martin answered, 'Because it's been so long since I've seen one!'
Q: How do pirates make their money?
A: By hook or by crook!
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar.
The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo.
The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says,
"What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"
The octopus says, "Play it?
If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above:
"Saul, sell your business."
He ignores it. It goes on for days.
"Saul, sell your business for $3 million."
After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.
The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."
He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18.
The dealer has a six showing.
"Saul, take a card."
What?
The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him.
Saul gets an ace.
Nineteen.
He breathes easy.
"Saul, take another card."
What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card.
It’s another ace.
He has twenty.
"Saul, take another card," the voice commands.
I have twenty!
Saul shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.
Hit me,Saul says.
He gets another ace.
Twenty one.
The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."