Yo' Mama is like a bus: she's big, she stinks, and it's only a dollar to ride.
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.
He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano.
He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully.
The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog.
He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully.
The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog.
The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."
Yo mama is so stupid that she thought starbucks are money in space.
An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: "Put A Dollar in the Slot and the Machine will Tell you who you are!"
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and he waits.
The machine suddenly sounds;
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
The man blacked out with the machine's ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago," says the machine.
"But it's impossible!" screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
"You're John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You're about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago."
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
-You're John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you.. lost the train!
Vote:
You can't buy happiness but you can buy weed… and that's pretty close.
Q: What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
A: Lazy.
Q: Who was the first accountant?
A: Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
Vote:
“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
“My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”
A woman comes up to me and says, "Hey sexy you lost 185 lbs and now you have money."
"You wanna be my sugar daddy?"
"Nope I'm diabetic!"
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."