‘Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.’ Spike Milligan
Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?
I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.
Why are black people & vending machines the same? Because they both don't work & they both steal your money.
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A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
Why is it that when a man talks nasty to a women it’s sexual harassment, but when a women talks nasty to a man it’s £3.99 a minute?
You know who's mad at Kobe? Every other player in the NBA. You know why? Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring. Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum. Cause you know how women are, man. Women get upset: "Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?"
Q: What kind of money do elves use? A: Jingle bills!
Q: What does a black person have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don't work and always take your money.