Yo mama is so poor that your TV got 2 channels: ON and OFF.
Insurance companies are trying to set new guidelines before approving Viagra coverage. What will they use to set those guidelines? A growth chart.
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. “What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can rent it for a couple of hours.
A young woman walks into a bank to withdraw some money. ‘Can you identify yourself?’ asked the bank clerk. The young woman opens her handbag, takes out a mirror, looks into it and says, ‘Yes, it’s me all right.’
Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Why does ET have such big eyes? He saw the phone bill.