A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.”
A blonde walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms. "That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk. "What are the eight cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging." "Tax," replies the clerk. "Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
There was a fire at the local tax office but the fire brigade managed to put it out before any serious good was done.
What do cows get when they do all their chores? Mooney.
Chuck Norris won one million dollars gambling playing Solitaire.
Misers are lousy to live with, but they make great ancestors.
Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!
Yo mama so fat and poor the only thing she could afford to eat was grease.