Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of Michigan fight song come out of the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into it's original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!" Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"
Eminem says "I'm not afraid". Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"
Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full". That's just 3 random words. I'm going to try now. Jockstrap squirrel potatoes.
Peter: Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music? Matthew: Why? Peter: Because he broke the record!
Gordan Ramsey:Theres more smoke in this kitchen than snopp dogg tour bus.
Kim and Kanye naming their baby North West is just like Brad Pitt naming his kid Arm.
I went to an ISIS birthday party once. The musical chairs were a bit slow but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick.
Music teacher tells Peter: "I warn you, if you will not behave, as appropriate, I tell your parents that you have a talent for music."
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing. After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me." The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone. Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!" The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."